Welcome to my domain. This piece of cyberweb is my little place to rant and ramble at the world. I feel as though I need some sort of self therapy and so I shall use this space to blog my daily events and feelings. I am depressed, I am a self harmer, I have been used, I have been abused, I battle with my weight constantly, I have a problem with alcohol and I have dabbled with drugs. I am not looking for sympathy, I just want others like myself to realise that we are not alone.
Today, I am a bit pissed off. I am tired of being promised the world by various people in the hope that I will “spread them”. I used to be so naive and wanted so badly to be loved and adored. I spent a large chunk of my life being ignored and overlooked and all I craved was somebody to take notice; to exist. I had always been a very quiet person. Always the “shy girl who sits in a corner”. This was the case a year ago. I never used to drink, I never used to smoke and drugs were never on my agenda. I was told by everyone around me that if I appeared confident, I would be so much more appealing.
29th March 2008. I was 2 weeks shy of coming out of a “relationship” with Mr. A and I thought I worshipped him completely. 2 and a half years I spent with him, just being used for sexual purposes. At the time, I felt useful, needed. I was perfectly aware that he was with someone else and oh how I craved the day he would choose me instead. But no. He got found out and completely denied everything leaving me to look like a complete insane idiot. I was broken and seeking solace elsewhere. Along comes Mr. S.
Bare in mind, I had always had a soft spot for him and never imagined he would look at me twice, but alas, he had. It was him who got me drunk for the very first time. Told me to loosen up and release my inhibitions. Needless to say, we ended up sleeping together and that created a rollercoaster of events. That first night was perfect for me. Up until then, I had been sexually abused, raped and then with a sexually demanding twat known as Mr. A.
I dont know, the alcohol in my system made me feel so much more alive. So confident. And now I cant live without the stuff. Vodka is my vice. A year down the line and I am now the loud one, the pisshead, the apparent confident one. All thanks to alcohol. And people were right, I do gain more attention whilst I appear so alive. But now Ive had a taste of it, I find the whole process so damn boring and repetitive. All I seem to attract are fellow pissheads who think I am stupid. I am wise to it now. Mr S for example. This past year, he has lived with me, left me, come back, had a threesome with me (which pretty much certified that I like women alot), left me again, then met someone else, then cheated on her with me, then went back to her, then tried to again and now he has someone else. Yes I am stupid for allowing it, but he is the only person who seems to have a hold on my heart. I am just annoyed with myself for listening everytime he “loves me”.
I have recently come out of another relationship. One that he persued. He is Mr M. I didnt want one with him and he knew it. He kept pushing for one and I agreed eventually because he was so nice to me. Fast forward a bit and I find hes been with someone else the whole time. I dont half pick them.
Anyway, Im signing off for now, but I will be back soon
xx
Hmm today what is lurking within my mind? The fact that I am so bored is it fucking unbelievable. All I wanted to do today was find the nearest bar and get wasted. Im still in shock that I actually went 22 years sober. Complete madness. I know deep down its no good for me, yet I am so much happier when I dont have the worry about my surroundings.